


the greatest punishment

by talktothesky



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Continuation, Character Study, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentioned Clay Jensen/Hannah Baker, Mentioned Tony Padilla/Brad, Mentioned Tony Padilla/Ryan Shaver, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Tony Padilla Character Study
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-10-19 09:05:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10636698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talktothesky/pseuds/talktothesky
Summary: Clay Jensen is not a particularly special guy. He’s not as gorgeous as other guys in school, he’s not especially funny or outgoing. He’s nerdy but not overly so. He’s sweet but he’s not an angel. He’s really nothing special.And yet, he’s everything to Tony.





	1. part of my past

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone and welcome to my first Clay/Tony fic. 
> 
> This is a two-chapter story:  
> The first chapter is kind of a retelling of canon told in Tony's perspective and focusing in-depth on his unrequited feelings for Clay.  
> The second chapter will pick up where the show left off and it will still be focused entirely on Tony and Clay and the development of their relationship. 
> 
> There are some minor warnings for this fic that line up with the theme of the show, specifically suicide and suicide mentions. They are pretty mild but still, be cautious and, above all, be careful about your mental and emotional safety. 
> 
> This fic is dedicated to one of my best friends, Elena. Elena, thank you for making this fic possible. I promised you I would write it for you and here it is. I love you <3 
> 
> Also, millions of thanks to the anons and people on Tumblr that encouraged me to write this fic. You gave me a lot of motivation and I hope you enjoy the story.
> 
> I plan on uploading the second and last chapter of the story by the end of the month, so stay tuned.
> 
> Title from this quote: "“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” by Federico García Lorca.

Unrequited love is not as fantastic as Hollywood movies make it out to be. It’s not a simple pit stop on the way to Happily Ever After or a step to go through in a How to Get the Love of Your Life montage. 

It’s raw and, most days, it feels never-ending. 

Tony also never asked for it. He was happy never having to experience the pain in his stomach when a text goes unanswered and he could have gone his whole life without the doubts, the shortness of breath, the lump on his throat whenever they cross paths at school. 

Unrequited love is not romantic. It’s not something to be celebrated and it’s definitely not something Tony will remember fondly in the future when he has finally been able to move on. Unrequited love for Tony is loving someone so much you want to protect them even from themselves. 

Unrequited love is having been friends with Clay Jensen for 6 years and having loved him for at least half of those. 

 

____________________

 

Clay Jensen is not a particularly special guy. He’s not as gorgeous as other guys in school, he’s not especially funny or outgoing. He’s nerdy but not overly so. He’s sweet but he’s not an angel. He’s really nothing special.

And yet, he’s everything to Tony. 

Tony and Clay meet when they are kids and they’re placed on the same middle school class back when Tony is the new kid in town. His family has only recently moved from Sacramento and Tony has had zero problems adjusting to his new home. He has already made friends with some neighborhood kids and they go out to ride their bikes every afternoon. They trade Pokemon cards and kick a ball around the park, making up their own rules for football games. 

So during Tony’s first day of school he doesn’t need saving from solitude, he doesn’t need the teacher to introduce him around because he already knows most of the kids in his class.

Tony Padilla, however, doesn’t know Clay Jensen before that day.

It’s not like Clay is reclusive or like the other kids hate him and isolate him. Clay is simply quiet. He plays with everyone but tends to get tired more quickly than the rest of the class. He likes reading comics while he has lunch and he isn’t very good at sports, preferring to stay in the shade and cheering every once in a while when someone scores or makes a particularly good play.

The first few weeks of school Tony and Clay exchange maybe a total of 10 words.

And then, Ms. Lucas partners them up for a science project and Tony finds himself spending most of his free time at Clay’s house.

Tony’s parents have always had long working hours. They struggled when Tony was younger to pick him up from school, make dinner for him, balance their family time with their work obligations. So when Tony’s and Clay’s parents meet it feels like a salvation.

Suddenly, it’s Clay’s parents driving him to school, and Clay’s parents picking him up, and Clay’s parents making him dinner, and him and Clay hanging out every day before Tony’s parents can pick him up after work and take him home.

And in just a couple of weeks, Clay carves his way into Tony’s time and into Tony’s heart. They’re _best friends_ in the way little kids are, without restraints and expectations. 

And more weeks pass. And months too. And then months turn into years. 

Clay and Tony grow up. They grow into each other and themselves. They think themselves unbreakable and mature, masters of their time and their emotions. They’re wise and they know themselves, they have lives planned out and nothing can stop them from living them. 

And then Tony turns 14 and he realizes that every meticulous plan he has ever made will never work out for him. 

Tony doesn’t have an Eureka moment where he looks at the boys of his class changing in the locker room and thinks _“Oh, that’s it! I’m gay!”._ Tony has always known. It’s always there, as a part of him. He likes football and cars, he hates the taste of onions and really doesn’t much care for any food that is not pizza. And he also likes boys. It’s simple. Not easy, not really, just… Simple.

What is not simple -nor is it easy- is falling in love with his best friend. 

Very similarly to how there was no huge gay awakening for Tony, there is also no Clay awakening for him.

It isn’t like every romance book ever paints it to be. 

Tony doesn’t notice his lust while Clay is sucking on a pen, it’s also not the way Clay smiles that makes him one day lose his breath.  He doesn’t wake up one morning and realize all he ever wants is to spend the rest of his life with Clay. 

It is gradual, a slow but steady rise. It starts when he keeps refusing invitations to parties in lieu of staying over at Clay’s house to play video games. He starts noticing himself getting more tactile: throwing his arm around Clay’s shoulders, pressing their thighs together whenever they’re sitting next to each other,… It somehow grows into more. More time with Clay, more time spent thinking about Clay, more _Clay and Tony_ , and more Tony being confused.

Tony is 15 when he admits to himself he is in love with Clay and he is also 15 when he decides to give himself some space.

It’s not as if he pulls away from Clay and freezes their friendship. It’s more like high school and life makes them just kind of drift apart and Tony takes advantage of that to try and burn the flame of his feelings.

They are still part of each other’s solar systems, planets with similar orbits that always find themselves crossing paths. But for a couple of years, more often than not, they only ever see each other in shadows created by eclipses, glimpses of light cast by stars millions of lightyears away.

Tony finds other people, other passions, ways to forget for a little while that he has never confessed his feelings to anyone and yet he feels like everyone in the world knows. 

He finds boys he enjoys kissing, boys he enjoys dating even if they are never right. 

Once, a couple of days after his break up with Ryan they both make time to get coffee together to try and leave things on good terms. 

“You make yourself too unavailable.” Ryan tells him while they’re sitting together at a table in Monet’s. “It’s like you made up your mind long ago about what you want and you don’t make an effort to share. It’s difficult to compete without even knowing the game you’re playing.”

Tony doesn’t try to correct him. After all, Ryan is right. Tony knows what -or who- he wants. Problem is, he doesn’t want to want it this much.

 

____________________

 

Everything changes with Hannah. 

It changes long before Hannah’s death, though.

Hannah is the first girl Clay likes. The first girl he truly, really likes.

Tony had had to be subjected while growing up to Clay talking about crushes before. Girls that smelled sweet or that had smiled at Clay after school, making Clay’s palms sweat and his heartbeat stutter.  But in all of their years as best friends Tony had never had to hear about the same girl more than a couple weeks at a time. 

Hannah is a topic of conversation between them for years. 

Even when Tony and Clay are at their furthest as friends, they always make a point to hang out together at least once a month. It is an unspoken agreement, a silent promise to catch up and keep in touch no matter what. That is one of the things Tony loves about Clay, his loyalty. They have been best friends for so long that they both refuse to be forgotten in the mist of carving out space for other things.

And during those times it is like nothing has changed between them. The world continues spinning but they feel unmovable. 

And every single time they make time for each other, in one way or another, Hannah Baker is discussed.

Hannah is a friend to Tony. More a casual friend than a close one, yes, but a friend nevertheless. 

But to Clay, Hannah is everything.

Clay never says it outright, he never confesses or gushes. His infatuation is a lot more subtle and Tony feels more connected to it because of that. Here he is, silently in love with a boy whose love for a girl shines so radiantly on his eyes  that it makes Tony fall even deeper in love. 

Tony knows he is not the first person Clay goes to for girl advice or to talk about Hannah with. Jeff is better for both of those things and even with Clay’s reserved nature Tony has overheard a couple of conversations where he has asked Jeff for pointers and Jeff has encouraged Clay to “just do something about it, man”. 

Sometimes Tony has worried about what it means that Clay doesn’t really talk about girls with him. He is sure it is because Clay knows he has really nothing to offer on the subject -it’s not like he’s hiding and everyone at school know he’s gay- but sometimes, late at night, fear grips his heart tightly when he thinks maybe Clay knows about Tony’s feelings for him. 

But Clay never says anything and he never changes his behavior around Tony. It’s a small miracle, an oasis in a dessert of doubt. 

Back then, back before everything, Tony had truly believed Clay and Hannah were bound to end up together and he was happy with the thought. They would be sweet and good to each other and their love would be the kindness they both deserved. 

Their love would also give Tony the push he needed to move on. 

And so Tony thought, if he had to lose Clay to anyone -not that Clay had ever really been his to lose- he would be okay with losing him to Hannah Baker.

 

____________________

 

Tony meets Brad and it’s lust at first sight.

He has never believed in tales of love at first sight, of locking eyes with someone across a crowded room and feeling an instantaneous deep connection. Knowing that someone is the one for you simply by them aiming a smile your way. 

But more than once Tony has experienced untamable desire mere seconds after meeting someone. And that is exactly what happens when he meets Brad at a small concert in a college town nearby. 

Brad is gorgeous and charismatic, 19 years old and studying computer science because he says _“it’s the present and the future!”_.  He has two little sisters and his parents are divorced but he swears they still maintain a good friendship. It’s like he was taken out of a rom-com and put in front of Tony as some kind of salvation.

In just a short amount of time, their relationship gets serious. Brad holds his hand when they’re out for dates and he introduces Tony to all his family. Date nights become tradition and Tony finds himself smiling more and more often. 

Brad is gentle when they sleep together for the first time and while they’re laying together after they’re done in Brad’s narrow and uncomfortable dorm bed Tony thinks, _“I could fall in love with him”_.

It doesn’t erase Clay from his heart or his mind, not completely, but it’s the closest to peace he’s felt in a long time.

 

____________________

 

And then Hannah Baker kills herself and takes part of Tony’s soul with her.

 

____________________

 

Tony will never forget what it was like seeing Hannah’s lifeless body before the paramedics took her away. He will never be able to unhear Hannah’s mom’s sobs and screams as her only daughter was declared dead and carried away in a bag.

He has nightmares sometimes. About that day but also about a hundred other days before that one. Nightmares in which Hannah blames him for everything, nightmares in which Hannah simply clings to him and sobs into his shoulder. 

He hates the nightmares and he hates waking up from them, cold to the point of shivering. But he prefers the nightmares to the dreams where Hannah is still alive because when he wakes up from those, the reality is so much worse. The reality is that Hannah is gone and she’s not coming back. 

It takes 48 hours for Tony to be able to listen to all of the tapes. He can still feel the way his heart stopped when he listened to the first few minutes of the first tape before he drove over to the Baker’s house. And he can still recall the cold shiver that went up his spine when he got there. _It’s too late, it’s too late, it’s too late._

He listens to the tapes one after the other, no stops, interruptions or delays. He owes Hannah that much. He will listen to her story and he will keep her wishes alive even if he couldn’t do the same for her. 

And then, he gets to tape 6 side A. And he hears Clay’s tape for the first time.

And he cries.

He cries for Hannah and for Clay, he cries for all they could have been. 

He cries because she didn’t deserve the life she had to live and she deserved the ending she got even less. He cries because even though he wants to protect Clay from ever having to hear any of this he knows he has to let it happen. Because they all need to learn from it, because Hannah paid the price when it should have been them dealing with the consequences. 

Tony cries because he’s been in love with Clay Jensen for two years and he’s going to help break his heart one more time.

 

____________________

 

Hannah’s absence is everywhere around him. He feels it more at school but even at his house, a place Hannah never even visited except the day of her suicide when she dropped off her tapes, her ghost haunts him. 

She’s in every song he listens to, in every new movie announced that she will never get to watch, in every person that goes on with their lives as if nothing out of the ordinary has recently happened.

Tony feels constantly off-balance. His parents notice and so does Brad, but this is not something he can share with them. This is not theirs to know. There are only 12 other people that are part of the story and yet, only one that Tony wants to be able to share it with. But there’s still a long way to go until the tapes get to Clay.

He can tell the moment each one of the subjects of the tapes has listened to them. They’ve all got different tells: Jessica grows restless and wary of everyone around her, Alex’s eyes become void, Justin becomes aggressive, Courtney smiles a little too much and a little too widely…

They also start to flock together like this is some kind of game they’ll only be able to win if they work as a cohesive team.

At first they try to pull him in on it. They know he has the second set of tapes and at some point they’ve all come running to him, some have asked him to stop it, others have yelled at him as if he’s the reason for all of it. Tony keeps wondering how Clay will react. 

In a futile attempt to force Tony’s hand, Justin threatens him. He’s afraid, Tony can tell. He’s barely holding on to his lies and the lies of everyone around him. He’s terrified and tired but Tony can’t help but think that at least he’s alive to feel those emotions. Hannah isn’t.

“You know this is not just about me, or Marcus, or Bryce.” Justin says while crowding Tony against the wall, trying to appear taller than he is and yet sounding like an angry little boy. “Your boyfriend Clay is in the tapes too. You’re gonna let him hear them? You love him and you’re gonna break him like that?”

Tony is not surprised by the words. Justin knows and he must not be the only one. Tony loves Clay and it’s such a vital part of him he’s by now pretty sure it will always be tattooed on him, so bright everyone will always be able to see it. 

He’s not surprised by Justin’s words but he’s angered. In a quick move Tony extracts himself from Justin’s hold and pins Justin against the opposite wall of the hallway, his right arm placed over Justin’s neck restricting his movement and his breath.

“Unlike you, I don’t let the people I love get hurt. I’m doing this because it’s what Hannah wanted but if you even think about coming after Clay because of this I swear to god you will regret every single breath you take for the rest of your life.”

 

____________________

 

Days start passing by in a haze. More people listen to the tapes and yet Tony can’t make himself care about them.

He knows, in his heart, he should be thinking about what to do in the long term. The people the tapes talk about -Bryce- deserve to have justice sent upon them and Hannah’s parents have already contacted him so he can help in whatever way he can in the lawsuit against the school.

He should feel angrier, he should have maybe contacted someone about this a long time ago but all he can think about, all that goes through his brain is _tape 6 side A, tape 6 side A, tape 6 side A_.

It feels somehow too soon and yet too late when Clay finally gets the tapes.

Tony can’t help but become a shadow to Clay when it happens. It is in part so Clay knows there is someone willing to support him through it all but it’s mostly a selfish decision. He loves Clay and he needs to keep him near, he needs to feel him next to him even if it means accompanying him through his rage and his despair.

He’s scared, so scared. Scared of what Clay might do and what he might feel while listening to the tapes. 

Clay takes the longest out of everyone listening to the stories but Tony understands. If those tapes were Clay’s instead of Hannah’s and it was Tony listening to them… He might burn the Earth before accepting that Clay was gone. 

If Hannah was for Clay what Clay has always been for Tony, it’s a goddamn miracle Clay is still alive and breathing every day.

 

__________________________

 

"Clay, you know I’m gay right?”

“What?”

Tony wants to laugh, or cry. Maybe a little bit of both. 

He maybe should have known. Clay can be oblivious, way too oblivious, to other people and their feelings. He’s awkward and socially inexperienced and prefers to keep his head down because of that, missing then a lot of signs and signals. 

All of these years Tony has worried constantly - _am I looking at him too long, am I laughing too loud, can he feel it in my touch_ \- and yet Clay didn't even know he was gay. It feels like a curse when in reality it should have been a blessing.

And when Clay asks him about Brad being jealous, still so innocent and naive, “You mean with the tapes and all and not in a romantic way?”, Tony feels like maybe it’s time.

_No, he’s jealous because even though I’ve never told him I think he’s figured out how in love I am with you. I think he can see it in the way I look at you and I think he can hear it in the way I say your name. And it’s been so long, Clay, so long, that I should have gotten better at hiding it. But I can’t do it. It’s like my love for you is the sun and my body is not strong enough to contain it anymore. You’re shining through me and I don’t know how to stop it. The light comes out so strongly. My eyes, my mouth, even the palms of my hands. And it’s starting to burn. It’s hurting me but it’s the only thing keeping me warm. Brad is jealous because it’s always been you, Clay. It’ll always be you. I think I could have loved him but I can’t. There is no more of me to give because you’ve taken it all, Clay. You don’t even know but you’ve got me whole._

But Clay still has many more tapes to listen to, and Hannah doesn’t deserve to be made a footnote in anyone’s story anymore. This is not about him.

So Tony swallows up the sun trying to escape him and lives to see another one of his internal sunsets. 

He just says, “Sure.”

 

____________________

 

In the end, everything is pretty much still left wide open. 

It should feel like an ending, because Clay finished the tapes, but it just feels like a continuation. Of what, Tony’s not so sure. But they keep moving forward even on the days when they don’t feel like doing so.

Tony feels stronger now, with Clay by his side. He knows they both feel it now, the need to do _something_ , for Hannah, for them, for Alex… They’re slowly moving the chess pieces, making a play that will win them the game even if the victory won’t be perfect. 

And Tony also feels lighter. He doesn’t feel satisfied, it’s still too soon for that, but he does feel hope. 

He’s driving his car and there’s Clay and Brad and Skye. And it almost feels surreal. Such an unlikely group of people, so disconnected and yet trying to find a tether. 

Tony looks to his right and there he is like he has been for years and years now. Still he’s unaware, in true Clay Jensen fashion, but Tony finds that he’s okay with it. 

Unrequited love is still not romantic and it’s still not something Tony would ever wish for, but there are worse things that could be and more important ones to take care of. This will be their time to heal. To grow into something stronger and gentler at the same time.

Tony doesn’t think he will ever get over Clay, not after everything. He doesn’t think he will ever stop feeling Hannah’s absence, her almost presence in an empty space, full of what could-have-beens and missed opportunities. He will just have to learn to live with both. 

Tony takes a deep breath and he hears Clay doing the same thing, both of them synchronized in their being alive. 

 He puts his foot down and speeds into the future, glancing out the corner of his eye at Clay and feeling warmth when, for the first time in weeks, Clay’s mouth sets into a tiny smile.

 


	2. sharing my present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love has given Tony a second chance and he doesn’t want to ruin it. 
> 
> Love for Tony has always just been about Clay Jensen and maybe, for once, love can be about Tony too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is finally here and I have some news. Since I posted the first chapter of this fic some things have changed: I increased the number of chapters from 2 to 3 a week ago but I'm now saying that this story will have 4 chapters (3 chapters + epilogue). I'm pretty sure this is final but never say never. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been patiently waiting for this chapter. I know I said I would have it up by last Sunday but life got in the way. I have never received such lovely comments as the ones everyone left me on last chapter. If you commented I want you to know you made me the happiest girl ever.
> 
> Once again, this is for Elena: this fic wouldn't exist without you and your support and your love. 
> 
> And also, Elvira, I have to thank you too. Thanks for being as excited for this fic as I am, and thank you for your help. I love you. 
> 
> Enjoy this chapter <3

Throughout all of history, many people have tried to explain the concept of love. Poets, singers, scholars, scientists, people in love and even heartbroken people. And yet, after years and years, centuries of writings and songs, essays and movies, there is no clear definition, no consensus reached over what being in love truly feels like. 

For Tony, love is just weird. 

If you would have asked him the question “What is love for you?” a couple of months ago, he would have probably answered, “Pain” or something equally as dramatic. But that answer would have not been surprising considering the fact that the only time Tony has ever been in love in his life, it has been with his best friend and he has had to suffer through loving him from a distance, close but never close enough.

Now…Well, now Tony doesn’t know how he feels about love. Love is confusing and it is tiring. Love is elating and a goddamn miracle.

Love has given Tony a second chance and he doesn’t want to ruin it. 

Love for Tony has always just been about Clay Jensen and maybe, for once, love can be about Tony too. 

 

____________________

 

For all the things that have changed, Tony sometimes feels like everything is actually exactly the same as it was. 

The music playing through Clay’s computer is from the early 2000s and Tony can’t help but crack a smile. Everything feels so familiar to him: the feel of Clay’s carpet underneath his head where he’s laying down, Clay’s humming, every single action figure that Clay owns, the color of Clay’s walls…

If he closes his eyes, he can almost pretend like he’s back in the 5th grade and they’ve just gotten home from school and are attempting to do their homework together but keep getting distracted by Clay’s collection of video games. He can practically smell Clay’s dad’s cooking and a sense of comfort envelops him when he thinks back on those days.

But those days are long gone. He’s not a kid anymore and neither is Clay. They’ve both seen and heard and lived too many things, and the childish innocence they once possessed is now only a mere memory.

But Clay is still by his side and the thought means more to Tony than anything else.

“Sheri just texted me.” Clay’s voice pulls Tony away from his thoughts and brings him back to the present. “She and Jessica are going to visit Alex tomorrow morning and she asked me if we wanted to tag along. We could go with them and then go have lunch if you want to.”

Tony turns his head to the side and gazes at Clay from his position on the floor. The other boy is also laying down but he’s on his bed, his head resting on his pillow and his arms extended over his face holding his phone up so he can look at the screen while he scrolls through it.

“You and Sheri text buddies now?” 

 _Don’t let me sound jealous don’t let me sound jealous don’t let me sound jealous_ , Tony begs endlessly in his head.

“No,” Clay huffs, lowering his arms and resting his phone on his chest. He turns his head to meet Tony’s eyes. “We’ve just been talking since she came forward about what happened, you know… Jeff’s accident.”

Tony makes an acknowledging noise but lets silence set over them. Jeff’s accident is one of those things Tony and Clay don’t talk about, a forbidden path full of monsters and trouble. Tony wishes Clay would open up about it because he knows how much the pain of losing Jeff got to Clay and yet, in the midst of the storm, it got buried away as if mourning two people at once was somehow an incompatible thing.

Clay sighs and, after placing his phone on his bedside table, he incorporates until he’s sitting down in his bed, his elbows resting on his knees.

Tony follows his lead and moves from his laying down position to a sitting one with his legs bent before him. This leaves both boys facing each other and only mere meters apart, their feet nearly touching.

“I think what she did was brave even if I think she should have done it before,” Clay says. “She’s awaiting trial and I think she could use some friends… I think after everything we could all use some friends.”

“Yeah,” Tony whispers. 

It’s hard for him to imagine all of them being good friends, being the kind of people that have no baggage and can wholeheartedly support each other. But at the same time, Tony knows there’s now a connection between them, something no one else can come close to having because this has shaped them as people and it is something they will always share. 

“And I think most of all, Alex needs some friends right now,” Clay continues talking. “The doctors still don’t know how bad things will be and I just can’t believe…” Clay takes an uneven breath, his voice breaking.

“Hey.” Tony stands in one swift move, coming to stand next to Clay and sitting down on his bed. He puts his arm around Clay’s shoulder and brings Clay closer to his chest while the boy is still trying to breath deeply. Tony tries to match their breaths to help Clay relax and his heart aches for the boy beside him.

Exhaling loudly, Clay confesses, “It feels like one more person I let down. Jeff, Hannah, Alex…”

“Clay, buddy. You know it’s not like that.” Tony knows it takes more than just his words for guilt to disappear but he can’t let Clay carry this burden on his own.

Clay nods lightly but Tony can see his hands still shake where he has them gripped between his knees. When Clay starts to move, Tony believes he’s going to pull away from their position but all he does is curve himself until he can rest his head comfortably on Tony’s shoulder. 

“All I seem to be doing lately is crying on you.”

Tony laughs, careful to not jostle Clay too much. Moments like this offer a quiet comfort to Tony. He may not be able to rid Clay of his pain but he can serve as a crutch for him, he can work as a safe place, a haven.

“It’s alright, it’ll be our secret.”

For a few minutes only their breaths can be heard in the room. The playlist of music playing from Clay’s computer has ended and neither boy moves to play something new. 

Time has stood still and Tony doesn’t want to let this moment go.

“We kissed.”

And just like that, the moment is shattered.

“What?” Tony asks, glancing down at Clay but only able to see the top of his head from their position.

“Sheri and I. We kissed. Before I listened to her tape.”

“Oh,” Tony exhales.

He tightens his grip on Clay’s shoulder but he quickly wills himself to loosen his hold. He debates pulling away completely but this doesn’t have to mean anything. If he pulls away, it will look weird. He shouldn’t care. He shouldn’t feel like someone just kicked him in the stomach. He shouldn’t have to close his eyes to fight the tears that are threatening to spill.

Clay still hasn’t moved.

“It didn’t mean anything but… I don’t know.” Tony can feel Clay’s shrug. “I missed Hannah and she’s nice and…” Clay sighs. “We both did it for the wrong reasons and I’m glad we could move past it.”

Tony nods and he knows Clay can feel the movement. It’s only been a couple of weeks since then but Tony can feel how much Clay needed to get this off his chest. 

“You know it would be alright if you liked her, right? You wouldn’t be dishonoring Hannah or anything like that.”

Tony is not actually sure if that is the right thing to say in this situation. _Would it be_ a dishonor to Hannah if Clay liked Sheri? Would it be worse if Clay kept himself from being happy because of what he thinks Hannah would want?

“Yeah, I know,” Clay replies. “Still, I don’t like her and it doesn’t have to do with Hannah. I will be her friend and I hope she will be mine, that’s all I want.”

 _Friends._ Tony supposes one can never have too many of those.

Clay slowly moves his head so it’s no longer resting on Tony’s shoulder, and Tony pulls his arm away from Clay’s shoulder. But that’s as far as Clay goes. They’re both still pressed from knee to shoulder and it makes Tony feel warm.

“I think I’m slowly learning to move on,” Clay whispers like a treasured confession. He turns his head to look at Tony and his blue eyes are glistening. “It’s not exactly letting go of Hannah. It’s more like moving forward knowing that she was a part of me, that she’ll always be. But I think there’s so much more I can offer to other people. And I think I’m excited for it.”

Tony smiles and his heart bursts with pride for this sweet boy. So considerate and fragile but so dedicated to always standing strong.

“I think we deserve to be excited for the future, Clay.”

“Yeah,” Clay agrees, a sweet smile also brightening his face.

Tony clasps a hand on Clay’s left knee. “Text Sheri and tell her we’ll go see Alex with her and Jessica tomorrow.”

Clay nods and leans towards his bedside table to pick up his phone. Once he has it in his hands he settles down next to Tony again and unlocks the screen to send the text. Tony simply sits still next to him and leaves his hand on Clay’s knee.

It could have been just a small conversation to other people but Tony knows the truth. It’s one more step towards redemption. It’s a small dive towards a better future.

 

____________________

 

Tony has always been a very perceptive person. He’s pretty self-aware and tries to keep in touch with his mind and his heart. He’s good at reading people too, interpreting their emotions and their desires. He’s also good at understanding situations and he’s even better at predicting outcomes. 

That is why Tony is not surprised when Brad breaks up with him.

“This is not working out Tony and you know it,” Brad says. “In fact, these past few weeks… I kept thinking it would be you doing the breaking up.”

They’re alone at Brad’s apartment, his roommate away for the weekend, and they're sitting at the kitchen table, Chinese take-out spread all over and both of them eating directly from the cartons. 

Tony pauses, chopsticks halfway to his mouth, and simply looks up at Brad.

“Is it actually a surprise to you?” Brad asks.

Tony drops the chopsticks on the carton and uses a napkin to clean his mouth, giving himself time to react. Finally, he shakes his head while avoiding Brad’s eyes.

“Yeah, I figured.” 

The air should maybe feel thicker or, at least, Tony should be feeling worse. Brad and him have been dating close to 6 months and their relationship has not been casual at all. They’ve done the whole meeting the family and they have talked about the future, about their expectations and their plans.

And just now, that all seems to be vanishing, disappearing right in front of Tony’s eyes. 

But Tony doesn't feel pain, or sadness. He feels regret, sure, and a sense of loneliness set over him before he even leaves Brad’s apartment, but it’s not so much about losing Brad as it is about losing the only constant he has been holding onto for so long.

It’s been a minute of silence, of Tony staring into space and Brad slowly eating his rice. 

“I’m sorry,” Tony finally says.

Brad frowns and pushes his food away, as Tony had done minutes before. 

“I’m the one doing the breaking up, I think I should be the one apologizing, right?”

Tony gets the courage to meet Brad’s eyes again, “We both know why you’re doing it, though.”

“Yeah,” Brad confirms, although Tony hadn’t actually needed the confirmation.

It must not be nice to date someone you know is in love with someone else.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” Tony explains, feeling like he needs Brad to know that he was never the problem. “and I’m sorry that you have to do this when it should have been me taking the step forward as soon as I realized my feelings weren’t going to change.”

Brad’s voice is soft when he asks, “How long have you been in love with him?”

It’s funny how someone can be such an essential part of a conversation without actually being present. It’s even funnier than someone can be such an essential part of a conversation without being even mentioned by name.

Tony huffs, “I know it’s stupid to say _all my life_ because it’s not like that but sometimes it really does feel like it’s been for all my life.”

Tony can see Brad swallowing, his Adam’s apple a harsh contrast against his neck. Tony used to love kissing Brad’s neck, nuzzling the point where his neck meets his ear. He looks away now, knowing he has no right to miss it or long for it anymore. 

“Then why did you…” Brad doesn’t finish his sentence but Tony knows what he wants to say.

“Hey.” Tony extends his arm to find Brad’s hand across the table and grasp it. “When we started dating, I never did it as a way to forget about him or to use you as a distraction. I really like you, Brad. I like you so much.” Tony squeezes Brad’s hand and he feels Brad respond in kind. “I believe I could have loved you if things were different but you deserve more than just _what ifs_.”

A bittersweet smile pulls Brad’s lips upwards and Tony feels a lump on his throat. 

“Thank you, Tony. For being honest with me.”

“I hope you’re not mad,” Tony pleads.

“No, no.” This time it’s Brad who squeezes Tony’s hand first. “I’m not mad. I know you like me and I know you understand better than anyone what it’s like to fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.”

Tony uses his free hand to wipe the tears from his face and he sniffs, trying to take deep breaths through his nose.

“It was good, Tony. It was good.”

And sitting there, both of them crying and holding hands, saying goodbye but holding on for a few more minutes, Tony agrees.

“Yes, it was good.”

 

____________________

 

Senior year is a mess, Tony has decided.

It’s like every senior student at Liberty High has gone crazy, hit by a spell that reduces everyone’s topics of conversation to graduation, prom, colleges, long-term plans,… And somehow this spell has missed Tony.

Tony isn’t 100% sure he knows what he wants to do with his life, but he knows college is not the path for him. He likes cars, and he likes being physical and active, and he’s also good with people. Those are the things he wants to focus on as he goes into the future. 

But being surrounded by people that seem to be constantly aiming for the stars when he’s content with staying firmly on the ground makes him feel unsettled.

Tony sighs, closing his locker and trying very hard not to overhear people’s conversations -about the future, _always about the future_ \- on his way to the cafeteria. He mostly fails at it and he feels relieved when he walks in and spots Clay and Skye sitting at what has become their usual lunch table.

He makes his way over quickly and settles down next to Clay, Skye sitting in front of them. She nods at him in greeting and Clay turns to give him a smile before they both continue their conversation about something that Tony doesn’t have much to offer on. It’s not like he’s really paying attention. He rests his arms on top of the table and lets his head fall on them, closing his eyes and feeling the stress of the day -the week. _the year_ -.

He feels a touch on his shoulder and he turns his head to the side to look at Clay, whose gaze is focused on him. His brow is furrowed and he seems concerned. Before he can ask, Tony says, “I’m fine.”

Clay’s expression doesn’t soften, “You sure?”

“Yeah, just…” Tony awkwardly shrugs. “The future, man.”

Clay laughs at that and he gently mocks Tony by saying in an ominous voice, “The future.”

“You know what I mean,” Tony complains. “Everyone’s talking about college stuff and the end of the year and, yeah, I want to get out of this hellhole but I also wish everyone would just shut the hell up about it.”

“Amen, brother,” Skye agrees, offering her hand for a high five. Tony slaps her hand and feels better knowing there’s someone that understands at least a bit.

“Yeah, it’s starting to get to me too,” Clay says. 

Tony knows Clay has applied to some major universities and he’s been waiting eagerly for replies but Clay’s way of handling the stress has been pretending like nothing out of the ordinary is going on.

“How about we forget about all of it together?” Clay proposes. “Come over to my house tonight and we can do a movie night or something.”

It’s such a small thing but it certainly makes Tony’s whole day better. 

“Yeah, sounds fucking awesome.”

Clay smiles at him and Tony returns it with a smile of his own. Suddenly, Clay’s eyes widen and he looks over at Skye. 

“You’re obviously invited too, Skye. It’ll be good for the three of us.”

Tony feels a wave of disappointment at the words that he tries to control. It’s not that he doesn’t want Skye there it’s just that he doesn’t want Skye there if it means it won’t just be him and Clay.

“Can’t,” she says. “I have a shift at Monet’s. But thanks for the invitation, guys.”

 Tony is careful not to let his relief show on his face when she turns to look at him, but there’s something in Skye’s eyes that lets him know he’s not as good at hiding it as he would like to be.

“Well,” Clay says, angling his body towards Tony and focusing all his attention on him. “Looks like it’s just you and me.”

Tony nods and his heart gives a lurch at Clay’s pleased tone. 

But it’s nothing compared to the speed his heartbeats take when Clay moves his hand to rest over Tony’s knee, leaving it there for the entirety of their lunch. 

 

____________________

 

The end of the day comes and Tony heads to his car to wait for Clay, the parking lot slowly filling up with students leaving school.

Tony leans against his car and pulls out his phone, absentmindedly scrolling through his social media. He and Clay had decided during lunch that he would drive both of them to Clay’s house but Clay still had to take his bike so they could fit it in Tony’s trunk.

“I feel like I’m living out every high school girl’s dream: being picked up by a hot guy in an awesome car.”  Tony looks up and finds Clay standing before him, his hands gripping his bike’s handles. “Are you taking me out now? Gonna kiss me goodbye at my door?”

Tony’s heart flutters.

“I can leave your ass behind, if you prefer it.”

Clay laughs. “Wow, this date is off to a great start, Casanova.”

Both of them smile at each other and, for a few seconds, they don’t move, but then Tony clears his throat and steps forward to take Clay’s bike. He puts it in his trunk while Clay gets into the car and then walks around to step into the driver’s seat. Clay is already going through Tony’s cassette collection, trying to choose one even though Tony knows Clay already has a favorite out of all of them because it’s the one they end up listening to 99% of the time. 

Just as he imagined, Clay picks his favorite cassette and hands it over to Tony with a sly smile. If only Tony could learn to say no to him.

As the music starts playing, Tony pulls out of the parking lot and slowly leaves the school behind. It feels liberating to start the weekend, especially to start it with Clay right by his side, in his very own safe space. His car and Clay, what a satisfying combination. 

“Hey,” Clay calls for his attention. “We should stop to get some snacks or something. There’s nothing worthy of a movie marathon at my house.”

“Sure,” Tony says and sets course for the nearest grocery store. 

It only takes them 20 minutes to make it to Clay’s house after buying a month’s worth of snacks. Clay’s house is empty when they get there but they still make their way directly to Clay’s bedroom.

What takes them a lot longer -42 minutes, to be exact- is choosing a movie. Tony and Clay have pretty similar tastes both in music and movies but the downside to the Internet’s unlimited movie supply is that it is _unlimited_. So many movies to choose from, so little time.

The debate can only get settled one way: a game of rock-paper-scissors. 

Finally, an hour after making it to Clay’s house, they’re both settled in Clay’s bed, laying side by side, Clay’s movie pick playing on his laptop.

It’s rather funny, because neither of them pay much attention to what’s playing. As soon as the movie starts they both start debating the quality of the special effects, which leads them to talk about the best special effects in movies, which turns into talk of realistic sci-fi movies, and that somehow ends in them discussing their favorite apocalypse scenarios. 

It’s comfortable and it’s something they have done a hundred times before, and yet they never get tired of it. 

Clay’s dad gets home by the middle of the movie and invites Tony to stay for dinner with them. It’s not difficult for Tony to accept.

And after dinner is over, it’s back to Clay’s room. But this time there is no movie playing in the background. It’s just Clay and Tony. 

They’ve spent a lot of evenings like this over the past few weeks, in silence but both taking comfort in the other being there.  

And in the past few weeks, Tony has noticed Clay getting more and more tactile. Like now.

Tony is sitting on Clay’s bed, with his back to the wall and his legs stretched over the edge, while Clay is sitting perpendicular to him, using Tony’s thigh as a pillow. It elates and frightens Tony. 

But Clay seems oblivious -what else is new?- to Tony’s inner turmoil. His eyes are closed and his breaths seem even, making Tony think he might have fallen asleep. There’s something inside him that calls Tony to move his hand and idly run his finger through Clay’s hair. When the boy doesn’t stir, Tony does it again, feeling the softness in the pads of his fingers. 

It feels calming, touching Clay like this. No restrictions or motives, just subtly offering comfort.

It’s only been a few minutes when Clay lets out a soft sigh and a purr. “That feels so nice.”

Tony’s paralyzed. Every muscle in his body has gone tense, his fingers are still tangled through Clay’s hair but rigid. 

Clay lets out a noise of protest. “No, don’t stop.”

Tony swallows audibly and tries to take deep breathes subtly. It feels as if all of his feelings are spilling out of him, tainting Clay. How can he not know by now when Tony feels so deeply every time he’s next to him?

Tony’s stomach tightens when Clay opens his eyes and meets his gaze. There’s something in them that Tony realizes has been growing for quite some time. It’s still not concrete but it feels big and unavoidable.

Still looking into Tony’s eyes Clay whispers, “Please.”

It’s just one word but it unfreezes Tony all the same. His muscles relax slowly and he feels lighter than he has felt in months. 

And Tony’s fingers go back to caressing Clay’s hair, this time brushing against his scalp every few strokes, less subtle, more purposeful.

Clay smiles at the feel of Tony’s fingers and closes his eyes again. He looks radiant, free and unbothered. 

It was so small, such a tiny moment they just lived through and yet it feels like something new has just started. Tony thinks, perhaps, it’s not so new after all. 

 

____________________

 

It’s unavoidable now, that Tony rethinks every single interaction he has had with Clay for the past few months. 

It is, indeed, not a new thing that has just started growing. It was there, dormant, waiting to be awoken. And silently it rouse and has been shaping into something undefinable but real.

It’s not the beginning of a new chapter. It’s the middle of their book, the real climax of their story. 

 

____________________

 

Love is not a word Tony thought he’d ever be able to describe. 

Love is not a question Tony thought he’d ever be able to answer.

But he feels closer now more than ever to understanding what love is. He thinks that, if love is the light shining brighter and brighter everyday in Clay’s eyes when he looks at him, maybe love is not as undecipherable as he once believed it was. 

 

 


	3. and into my future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The future is a strange concept, Tony thinks. Some people fear it, some people dream of it and Tony is not sure in which category he falls into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been so long since the last update. Thank you if you're still reading this story after all this time and I hope you enjoy this chapter. The epilogue will be up before September is over, I promise.

The future is a strange concept, Tony thinks. Some people fear it, some people dream of it and Tony is not sure in which category he falls into.

He has never been one to create worlds in his head, not even when he was a kid and other children were running around claiming to be princes and princesses of faraway lands, pirates and thieves in desert islands; not even when he first realized he was in love with Clay and thought he could never have him. What good would it have done him to imagine some alternate universe in which he got to have the one thing he wanted the most? Fantasies are only that, fantasies. They don’t change anything in the real world and Tony has no desire to fall victim to some made up reality.

He also has never been scared of what tomorrow might hold for him. He’s not stupid, of course not, and he knows that some things will be good just as some things will be bad. But he used to look at the future with a kind of nonchalant confidence. He prepared for it but he never obsessed. He looked forward to it but he lived in the present. 

Now the future feels both dreamlike and terrifying. 

How can it be that things seem to be falling into place and yet Tony feels more insecure than ever?

It feels like one wrong move could bring everything crashing down around him, like a house of cards tumbling down due to a slight breeze. 

He has gotten a taste of what it’s like to have Clay by his side, a taste of this thing growing between them, and the future only brings two possibilities: either he gets to keep it or he doesn’t. Tony knows he wouldn’t survive one of those options.

_“I think we deserve to be excited for the future, Clay.”_

Tony would have never guessed how much their futures would be intertwined.

 

____________________

“Clay...”

“I can’t. I can’t do it.”

“Yes, you can.”

“I mean I know I can, I just… I don’t know if I want to.”

Sitting in Clay’s kitchen at 10am on a Saturday, it feels like everything is about to change.

In front of Clay, resting on the kitchen table, there’s a box, an innocent looking box. But the box is all but innocent. The box contains every single college response Clay has been getting back for the past couple of weeks. 

When Clay started applying for colleges he told Tony he had made a pact with his parents: every time a college letter came in the mail his dad would take it and put it in a box and his parents would only give him the box back once every single university Clay had applied to had sent their letter back. It was a way of not going crazy every single day, Clay had said. He would only have to go through the pain of opening the letters once, and then, with all of the options laid out in front of him, he’d start making a decision.

It had been early -way too early for a Saturday- when Tony had gotten Clay’s call. 

“My dad gave me the box. I want you to be here with me, Tony.”

It had only taken Tony 30 minutes to make it to Clay’s house.

And for the past hour, Tony and Clay have been sitting opposite each other at Clay’s kitchen table, box unopened and tension heavy in the air. 

Clay’s hands are resting on the box lid and Tony can see them trembling slightly. Slowly, not wanting to startle Clay -whose eyes are closed-, Tony reaches forward and places both of his hands on top of Clay’s. The action makes Clay open his eyes and his gaze immediately finds Tony’s.

Tony says nothing, knowing Clay doesn’t need the added pressure. 

Clay sighs. “You must think I’m stupid. It’s not like just because I don’t open the letters they’re not there. They still exist even if I ignore them.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid,” Tony reassures. “Well, I do think you’re stupid sometimes but not because of this.” 

Clay laughs and Tony feels proud of himself for making this moment a little easier on him.

“It just feels like everything's happening so fast, you know?”

Tony nods. That’s the curse of time: it feels like there’s never enough of it when you need it most.

Clay closes his eyes once again and takes a deep breath. “Okay, I think I’m ready.”

With one last squeeze to Clay’s hands, Tony moves his hands away, leaving only Clay’s resting on the box once again.

“Fuck, let’s do this,” Clay mutters to himself before opening the box.

It goes like this: Clay takes the envelopes one at a time and, with careful precision, he opens them, reading only the first sentence of the letters inside. 

It’s overwhelming even for Tony, but Clay keeps a steady pace. 

There are 7 envelopes to go through and in less than 20 minutes all of them have been opened and placed either in a reject pile or a row of acceptance letters.

There are actually only two rejection letters and even though Clay hasn’t voiced his opinion yet about the result of things, he doesn’t look devastated by the outcome.

Tony is still seated in front of Clay and the letters are facing the other way, so Tony decides to slowly get up and goes to stand behind Clay’s chair, surveying the options at the table.

When it’s been a couple of minutes of silence, Tony asks, “What do you think?”

“I think… Fuck,” Clay stutters.

Tony laughs and places his hands on Clay’s shoulders. “Eloquent.”

Clay moves his hands to Tony’s, gripping them tightly as if searching for an anchor to steady him. “It’s just so real.”

They stay like that for what feels like hours, the sun entering through the window and shining down on the table, as if signaling the importance of each and every single letter placed there. This is Clay’s future, this is every path there is to take and every choice that can be made.

“MIT said yes.”

Tony frowns and leans forward to hear Clay’s whispered words better. “What?”

“MIT sent an acceptance letter. They said yes,” Clay repeats. “MIT’s been my dream college since I was… I don’t know, like 5.”

“Clay, man!” Tony shouts excitedly. “That’s amazing, right?” 

Clay turns to look at Tony and his blue eyes are shining brightly, some tears already rolling down his cheeks.

 “Yes, yes.”

It’s like a dam has opened and every emotion is suddenly spilling out of Clay: he laughs as more tears start falling and he’s smiling wide, his whole face lit up in joy. 

Clay lets go of Tony’s hands and stands up abruptly, turning to Tony and putting his arms around his shoulders. Tony stumbles back from the force of Clay’s embrace but quickly recovers and grips Clay tightly, arms around his waist.

The taller boy buries his face in the crook between Tony’s shoulder and neck and Tony can feel his tears on his skin, making him press closer, until there’s no more space between their bodies.

Clay’s sobs subside but Tony doesn’t want to let go and Clay doesn’t move either so they stay intertwined for a little longer, holding on to each other.

It’s like they’re both moved by the same rhythm because they both pull apart in the same beat, as if knowing that the timing is right. 

Tony watches as Clay wipes his face with his hands, his lips still in the shape of a smile. 

There’s something inside of Tony trying to break free, an emotion so deep it feels endless. It has traces of happiness and love, a love he’s grown accustomed to, a love that always makes itself known when he so much as thinks of Clay. But there’s also a hint of nostalgia. A pinch of regret.

It’s a battle of wills and Tony is not sure who will win. His heart and his mind are at war because this moment feels crucial in its simplicity. This is the carving of a new era and he’s starting it with Clay, but he’s getting a taste of what a real goodbye will feel like.

Tony is looking at Clay and even though seconds before he was holding him in his arms, he feels further away than ever.

“So Massachusetts, huh?”

Clay nods. “Massachusetts.”

“That’s not so far away, right?”

Clay gazes deeply at him and Tony wonders if the pain in his voice was too raw, too obvious and real. Maybe this is one of the barriers they haven’t pushed through yet, no matter how close they have gotten maybe Tony’s love is always better left unsaid.

But as Clay always does, he surprises Tony. In a move so tender it almost hurts, Clay cups Tony’s cheek in the palm of his hand, his thumb pressing lightly on Tony’s bottom lip. 

“Massachusetts could feel closer for both of us.”

Tony’s face must show his confusion because Clay speaks again, “I mean, I don’t have to be the only one to go to Massachusetts.”

Tony feels like the world has just stopped turning and it has thrown him completely off balance. 

“I know we haven’t really been talking about… this.” Clay gestures between the two of them. “But we both know there is a this, right?”

Tony swallows hard and finds the strength to nod firmly.

Clay sighs in relief and Tony can’t believe this is really happening. 

“Good, good.” Clay’s voice is nothing louder than a whisper and yet it feels like the loudest sound Tony has ever heard. 

“So maybe this could move to Massachusetts.”

“Clay--”

“I know,” Clay interrupts. “I know that it might seem crazy because there are so many things that could go wrong. But we could plan for it. You could start looking for jobs and we could look for an apartment off-campus. It wouldn't even have to be for just you and me, we could share it with other people, we could even not live in the same place… I just... “ 

Clay stops his rambling to take a deep breath and he brings his other hand up to also rest it on Tony’s cheek, framing his face. 

“I feel like I need my future to include you.”

Tony sniffs and closes his eyes, tears welling up behind his eyelids.

“I’m sorry if this is too much,” Clay apologizes. “And don’t think I’m saying this as some kind of spur of the moment idea. I’ve been thinking about this for so long, Tony. For so long.”

Not longer than me, Tony thinks but he still stays silent.

“Just… Tell me that you’ll think about it,” Clay pleads.

So out of reach and yet close enough to touch, that’s what the future feels like for Tony now.  

When he got out of bed this morning he never would have thought this is where he’d be ending up but maybe he should have suspected it. Because Clay is right, no words have been spoken about it but that doesn’t make it any less real. There is something too big to name between them, too grand to contain.

There are no guarantees in life, no safe choices. Tony has learned that the hard way.

A moment of happiness doesn’t take away a moment of pain, feeling love doesn’t mean you’re free of suffering. But the good things make the bad ones more bearable. And Tony’s best thing, his favorite part about himself, is his love for Clay. It hasn’t always been -some times it has been more a curse than a blessing- but standing with Clay’s hands on his cheeks, his blue eyes desperately trying to show what Tony already knows Clay is feeling, Tony thinks this is something he’s not willing to let go of.

So he musters up the courage to take that final leap, the one that will leave them both at the point with no return. 

“Yes.”

“Okay, okay, good,” Clay says. “I don’t want to pressure you into anything so take as much time as you need. Nothing needs to change no matter what you decide--”

“No, Clay. I mean,” Tony explains. “Yes. Yes.”

Clay’s eyes widen in understanding. 

“Massachusetts seems like a great place.”

Clay lets out a soft laugh and bites his bottom lip trying to contain the smile that’s trying to take over his face.

“It does,” he agrees.

Tony grips Clay’s hips while Clay’s hands still frame his face and both boys move forward to press their foreheads together. 

And they stay like that for a while -foreheads pressed together, hearts beating out of their chests-, one step closer to their shared future. 

 

____________________

 

Tony has a thousand cherished memories from his childhood and most of them include Clay. A good number of them also include Clay’s parents. 

When he was just a kid Tony loved staying over at Clay’s place during the weekends. Waking up and having Clay’s mom and dad prepare them a big breakfast, a big feast of toast and fruit and pancakes and everything that a little kid could hope for. Sharing that breakfast in the Jensen’s kitchen felt foreign to Tony. His parents never really had time for shared meals and it always tended to be one or the other, his mom making him lunch and sitting down to keep him company or his dad reheating leftovers while his mom was at work and them sitting in front of the TV while they ate their dinner.

Clay’s family was the closest Tony had ever been to having one of those ad-like, picture perfect families. He loved his parents for sure, but Clay’s parents… He has always felt like they were the ones he never wanted to disappoint.

So knowing what Clay is about to do has his stomach turning and his palms sweating. 

Tony is sitting in his bed, his phone in his hands and his heart in his throat. Clay last text reads _“Wish me luck”_ and that was over 20 minutes ago. Tony doesn’t want to pressure him, he doesn’t want Clay to feel pushed into anything.

The decision had actually been Clay’s alone. No prompting, no suggestions, no advice involved. Clay had simply told Tony _“I’m going to come out to my parents,”_ and that had been the whole discussion about it. And although Tony had told Clay he would support him in any way he could and he had asked if Clay wanted him there when he did it, Clay had said no, convinced that this was something he had to do on his own.

Coming out for Tony was something unavoidable, an obvious choice with no real competition, a natural progress. Tony wanted and needed to come out. It was scary but not as scary as never telling his parents the truth.

For Clay, everything seems to be different and yet so much the same. It’s like, after everything that happened after Hannah’s death -the lying to his parents, the sneaking out and the secrets he kept- coming out is one more thing he needs to do to feel at ease with himself. 

_“I’m learning to be proud of who I am and being bisexual is a big part of that.”_

Tony sometimes feels ready to burst with his pride and love for Clay.

In his hands, his phone starts ringing and the loud noise startles Tony to the point of almost dropping the phone. The screen shows Clay’s contact picture and taking a deep breath, Tony picks up the call. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Clay sounds breathless on the other line, like he has just finished running.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Clay answers. “I just ran up the stairs. I was excited to call you.”

Tony smiles in the solace of his room, no one around to see him faintly blush. “How did it go?”

“Oh, Tony,” Clay sighs. “It felt… It felt terrifying. But like in a good way, you know?”

Tony knows too well what Clay means. 

“I was so nervous I just blurted it out,” Clay continues. “My mom was talking about how my dad needed to go grocery shopping today and I pretty much shouted _I’m bisexual!_ at them.” 

Clay lets out a soft laugh at his own tale and Tony corresponds with a laugh of his own. 

“My mom was so startled she dropped the milk cartoon on the floor.” 

This prompts Tony to laugh harder.

“I know, I know!” Clay’s voice is growing louder, denoting his excitement, and Tony feels good knowing this must mean the anecdote ends on a happy note. “It nearly became a disaster. But we cleaned everything up and then my parents, they… They were great. We talked, they asked me some questions, and then of course my dad had to make a couple of his jokes… But it felt so natural and good to be talking about it with them. I’m so glad I decided to tell them.”

Tony knows what Clay must be feeling at the moment: relief, happiness, hope for new beginnings. For Tony it was as if every door previously closed had suddenly been opened wide, a sea of possibilities expanding from his feet till the horizon. 

Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to live their true selves openly and happily and so for Tony, and probably for Clay too, the opportunity felt priceless.

“Clay,” Tony says, warmth feeling his chest and his feelings ready to burst from his chest. “I’m so proud of you.”

Through the telephone line Tony can hear Clay gasp and he wishes desperately he was right next to him so he could see his reaction in every little facial expression, so he could wrap his arm around him and offer more than just his words. 

“I mean it. I’m so happy for you.”

“Thank you,” Clay replies.

“Of course. How could I not be happy?”

“No, I mean thank you, not only for this but for everything. I don’t think I would have been able to do it without you,” Clay explains.

“I didn’t do anything, Clay.”

“Yes you did, Tony,” Clay insists. “You’ve been right by my side all these months, supporting me and helping me… I’m so lucky to have you.”

There are no words to express everything Tony is thinking and feeling because of Clay’s simple statement. He’s been rendered speechless, paralyzed by the joy of knowing he is as important for Clay as Clay is for him.  It’s not like he didn’t know it before. Clay would have never asked him to move to Massachusetts with him if Tony wasn’t important to him, if he didn’t really see a future with him.  But to have Clay put it into words feels exhilarating, a confirmation of everything they are heading towards. 

“Tony? You still there?”

Clay’s voice pulls Tony out of his musings. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he confirms. “i just… I’m so lucky to have you too.”

Clay and Tony stay on the phone, not saying anything at all, just hearing the other breath, feeling closer than they have ever felt before. 

Everything is slowly changing and, strangely, Tony feels like things are just falling into place, like this was the way it was meant to be all along.

 

____________________

 

They never really confirm anything but it’s like they don’t need to utter the words. For weeks, Tony and Clay toy the line between platonic and more, casual and intimate all rolled into one. They’re the same they’ve always been and yet new in so many different aspects.

Clay takes a liking to holding Tony’s hand. He holds it whenever they’re alone -watching movies, studying, laying side by side on Clay’s bed listening to music- and he even holds it whenever they’re not. 

The first time he does it when they’re in public they’re at the grocery store. 

Tony’s mom had asked him to do the shopping while she was at work and Clay had offered to go with him, as if every teenage boy’s dream plans for a Friday evening were roaming the vegetable and meat aisles of a supermarket. 

Tony is pushing the cart in front of him, Clay walking by his side, when he feels Clay graze his waist. His hand hovers Tony’s waist as he guides Tony to his right into the next aisle. 

“You need tomato sauce, right?” Clay asks. 

Tony nods and watches Clay place a couple of cans on the cart. The domesticity of the scene feels surreal. Tony can’t help but wonder if this is what awaits them at Massachusetts. 

Soon enough they fall into a rhythm. Tony reads items from the grocery list and Clay reaches for them, placing them in the cart that Tony is walking around. 

There are only five more items to cross off the list but the boys are taking their time. The cereal aisle holds an almost infinite selection of items to choose from and Tony and Clay have been having a debate of the merits of Captain Crunch vs Fruit Loops for the past 10 minutes. Neither of them are making any real points but it’s just fun to be able to argue with someone about such silly things. 

They’re standing side by side in front of the rows and rows of cereal boxes and everyone who walks past them is sending them dirty looks but they couldn’t care less. 

Tony is in the middle of a rant when he feels Clay’s hand nudge his own. He stops talking abruptly as he looks down at their hands. Clay has taken hold of Tony’s right hand with his left and is now intertwining their fingers as if this is something common for them, as if holding hands in the middle of grocery shopping was nothing more than just one of their routines. 

Even through his surprised daze, Tony instinctively squeezes Clay’s hand and holds on tightly to it, not willing to let go just yet. 

Clay’s smile is radiant and Tony has to bite his bottom lip to keep his own smile from taking over his face. It’s incredible how such a small moment can make Tony feel so alive. 

Not letting go of Tony’s hand Clay turns around towards the cereal boxes again and casually asks, “So what were you saying?”.

And just like that Tony goes back to his rant even though he has forgotten what side of the debate he was even fighting for.

After that, holding hands in public becomes a daily occurrence. 

They hold hands at the movies and when they’re out at Monet’s. They hold hands during lunch at school even though it makes it difficult for them to eat their food and always prompts Skye to roll her eyes so hard Tony fears they’ll get stuck in the back of her head. They hold hands while walking to class together and Tony marvels at the way Clay ignores every little whisper and look that gets thrown their way. 

But Tony’s favorite is always when they hold hands inside his car while he’s driving. His hand rests on the gear stick and Clay’s hand rests on top of his so whenever Tony has to change gears both their hands move together as if one. 

Holding hands is not the only new development between them but it feels like the most significant. They haven’t even kissed yet and although Tony can feel how everyday they get closer to it he thinks that if it were to not happen, he could still live happily getting to hold Clay’s hand for the rest of his life. 

 

____________________

  

Stealing private moments becomes more and more difficult as senior year goes by. 

The holidays pass and they exchange gifts but they don’t really have a lot of time to spend on their own in between mandated family events and functions.

It’s the first time that they both feel relieved once the holidays end and they’re back in class with their regular schedules.

Winter break at least meant Tony had some time to talk to his parents about his decision. To say he had been terrified of his parents’ reaction would have been an understatement but everything seemed to work out perfectly as his parents not only accepted his choice to move away to a completely different state, but also told him they would support him in any way they could. Tony feels actually unsettled at how well everything is working out. He’s not used to feeling this happy, and he fears that once he gets used to the hope for a better future it will be snatched away from him.

These are his thoughts as he is laying down on Clay’s bed while the other boy is sitting at his desk trying to finish an essay due for the next day. 

The sun is setting and outside the window the trees are swaying from the incessant wind of the cold winter day.

“I give up.” Clay throws his pencil down and forcefully closes his books, his face set into a frown. Tony laughs lightly at the picture of dejection he paints because of a simple voluntary English paper. 

“You don’t even have to do the stupid essay,” Tony reminds him. “it’s not like you even need it to boost your grades up.”

“I know,” Clay agrees. “I don’t even remember why I wanted to do it in the first place.”

Tony laughs again and moves aside on the narrow bed, getting closer to the wall and leaving some empty space on his right side.

“Get in.”

Clay doesn't hesitate for a second and he stands up from the chair in a quick, swift move. He approaches the bed and lays down on it on his back. This leaves his left side pressed all along Tony’s right and it’s like a fire has started burning Tony up from the tip of his toes to his very tongue. He doesn’t dare move. He doesn’t dare breath too hard. He wants Clay to feel comfortable by his side and never move.

But as Clay grumbles from his position Tony realizes his wishes won’t be granted.

“I’m uncomfortable.”

Tony expects Clay to go back to his chair by the desk, maybe sit or lay down on the floor like Tony has done countless times before in this very room. But Clay does none of those things. He turns on his side, facing Tony, and moves until his head is resting on Tony’s shoulder, his hot breath creating goosebumps on Tony’s neck. But Clay is not done making himself comfortable. He extends one of his arms to grab Tony around his waist, while at the same time he hooks one of his legs through one of Tony’s. Tony can’t help but move too, putting one of his arms around Clay’s shoulders, bringing their bodies even closer together. 

Once they still again it’s like they have ceased to exist separated from one another. There’s only one body that hosts their two souls. Tony can’t tell where he ends and Clay begins. They’re one and the same. 

They stay quiet for a couple of minutes, their breaths the only audible thing inside Clay’s room. 

Clay breaks the silence with a soft whisper, so low Tony struggles to make out the words even as close as he is, “This feels nice.”

Tony hums his assent. 

“I never knew I’d like cuddling this much,” Clay confesses.

Tony chuckles.  

“Yeah,” Tony says. “It’s one of the best parts of being in a relationship. It certainly was my favorite part of being with Brad.”

In less than one second Tony can feel Clay tense in his arms, his body taunt and rigid. The hand Clay had placed on Tony’s waist is now gripping Tony’s shirt tightly, so tightly that Clay’s knuckles have gone white with the strain. 

Tony curses himself for his stupidity but he doesn’t really know which part of his comment has made Clay so uncomfortable. Was it the implication that they’re in a relationship? Was it the mention of his former relationship with Brad?

He’s about to say something -what he still doesn’t know- when Clay clears his throat and takes a deep breath. He seems to be trying to relax his body and Tony starts feeling the change as Clay’s body starts going soft against his once again. 

Tony tightens his grip on Clay’s shoulders trying to silently apologize. 

“I’m sorry.”

It hadn’t been Tony who had voiced the thought even though it had been him thinking it mere seconds before.

Confused, Tony looks down at Clay but because of their position he can only see the top of Clay’s head and his profile. Clay has his eyes closed and his eyebrows are set in a frown. 

“Sorry for what?” Tony asks.

“Your break up with Brad,” Clay replies.

_It wasn’t your fault_ , Tony had been about to reply but it wouldn’t had been the complete truth. Clay isn’t guilty of anything that went wrong between Brad and Tony, but he is the reason all the same. 

“It’s okay,” Tony settles on saying. “We just didn’t work out.”

“How long were you together?” Clay asks.

Tony isn’t sure how to handle this conversation. He wants to ask Clay why he suddenly seems so interested in his failed relationship but he doesn’t want Clay to think he’s still hurt because of it or having second thoughts about it. 

“Around 6 months,” Tony answers. 

Tony can feel Clay nod his head from where it’s resting on his shoulder and the silence settles around them again. Anyone else could have been fooled about the conversation being over but Tony knows Clay too well for that. There is something Clay wants to say but he’s still searching for the right words to say. 

Just as Tony suspected, Clay takes another deep breath preparing himself to speak. 

“Tony,” Clay starts saying. He makes a short, nervous pause before he continues. “You once told me that Brad was jealous and I thought… I didn’t think so back then but you meant jealous of me, right? Of how you…”

_Of how I love you,_ Tony wants to say but he settles on, “Of how I like you, yes.”

Clay lets out a breathy chuckle. “Yeah, I was a little too blind before, wasn’t I? I mean, I can see how it’s obvious now.”

“Are you saying I’m obvious, Clay?” Tony tries to tease even with a lump in his throat. Is it a good obvious or a bad obvious he wonders. 

“Maybe a little,” Clay states. “But I think it’s pretty obvious on my part now too, isn’t it?”

It’s Tony’s turn to go rigid under Clay and the other boy notices it quickly. 

“Tony, you know right?” Clay moves his head from Tony’s shoulder and he rearranges his position so he can look Tony in the eye while he speaks. “I know we haven’t said it out loud before but I thought it was obvious… Tony, I like you. I want to be with you.”

Whoever said that a picture is worth a thousand words had no idea what they were talking about, Tony thinks. Clay’s words are worth anything and everything to him.

It should feel uneventful to have Clay confirm something that they have been building and creating and moving towards for months and months, but having Clay say the words instead of Tony just interpreting them from Clay’s actions and touches feels like a milestone. 

This is more than friendship and possibly even more than simply falling in love. Clay saying it out loud feels like commitment and promise. 

It’s only fair that Tony says something back. But what can he say that will be on par with what Clay just said? It’s too early to talk about love, but Tony has kept everything inside too long to feel content with saying something sweet but light and breezy. He needs to be bold, he needs, for once, to take a step further into the abyss of his emotions. 

“You’re the most important person in my life, Clay. I want to be with you too.”

It feels like not enough and way too much all rolled into one. For now, Tony is happy with the openness of his heart. There will be thousand of opportunities to do better. They have all the time in the world. 

 

____________________

 

For all that has changed and reshaped itself between Clay and Tony, people would be surprised to know how slow they have been taking things. 

It’s not hesitation or doubt, it’s not that they’re unsure of their feelings and their wants. It’s the desire to make everything perfect. The desire to make _this_ last. 

Sitting close to each other feels natural. Being able to stare at Clay without restriction feels like a privilege. Sharing their feelings feels meant to be. Holding hands feels like heaven. What will kissing feel like? Tony finds himself thinking about it all the time and he can’t help but wonder if Clay also does. God, he hopes he does. 

That’s not to say there haven’t been moments, opportunities. Every day they seem to get closer to it. At first Tony thought it was still just him feeling the pull, the desire. His gaze still strained towards Clay’s lips, stayed there a lot longer than necessary. But soon Tony discovered Clay’s gaze did the same. 

If looking at each other’s lips counted as kissing Tony and Clay would have already hit the thousand kisses marks long ago. 

Of course, because they’re Tony and Clay and things like this always tend to strike them unexpectedly, it ends up happening when they least expect it, in the most unsuspecting of circumstances.

And yet, it happens in the most fitting place.

There’s nothing special about that Wednesday, at least not at first. Classes have gone as usual for Tony and as he’s driving Clay home, Tony feels at peace as he always does when he’s driving around in his car with Clay by his side. 

They’re not talking because there’s not much to say, but the silence doesn’t bother them. There’s nothing awkward about it, it’s just familiar. 

It only takes around 10 minutes to make it to Clay’s house and Tony wishes the drive never had to end. 

Tony parks in front of Clay’s house and Clay doesn’t offer him to come in. He knows Tony has a shift at the garage. These days there’s not much Tony and Clay don’t know about each other.

Clay picks up his bag from the floor in front of his feet and puts it on his lap before turning to look at Tony. Tony also angles his body to look towards Clay.

“Call me when you finish your shift,” Clay says.

Tony nods and makes a soft affirmative noise, “I will.”

Tony won’t ever say it out loud because he knows how stupid it would sound, but for a minute it feels as if everything slows down. He can see and hear and feel everything with so much clarity. 

Clay starts to lean forward in his seat, going over the console, getting closer to Tony. It’s not a conscious move on Tony’s end but he also starts moving. An invisible force is pulling at him and Tony doesn’t really want to fight it. 

They meet each other in the middle, as if both letting the other know how much they want it to happen, how long they’ve been waiting for it.

Tony doesn’t close his eyes until the last possible second so he gets to watch Clay’s own eyes flutter closed. Tony takes the opportunity to look at Clay closely. His cheeks show a pink tinge and his lips look wet from Clay running his tongue through them only seconds before. If there was one wish Tony could ask for at the moment it would be to capture this moment in camera forever -a picture, a video- . He never wants to forget any detail of it, he wants to sear this memory to his mind and never let it go. 

It’s when their lips touch that everything shifts. It’s only a caress at first, a very slight graze, but it makes Tony’s lips burn. He wants so much more. 

He can’t keep his eyes open any longer and once they’re closed Tony gives his whole attention to losing himself in the kiss. 

Surprisingly, it’s Clay who takes the lead. He presses his lips harder against Tony’s, making him gasp in surprise. With little to no hesitation Clay opens his mouth to trace Tony’s lips with his tongue. Tony’s tongue meets Clay’s shortly after and from them on the kiss turns wetter, rougher, more desperate. 

Tony’s hands find their way to Clay’s hair and Clay’s hands take position in Tony’s cheek and neck. With the pad of his thumb Clay starts stroking Tony’s cheek, an action that feels very soft compared to the biting impulse of Clay’s kisses. 

The kiss doesn’t last longer than a minute but it feels like an eternity. And yet, it’s not enough. 

Clay bites Tony’s bottom lip playfully, pulling at it before kissing it softly. Both boys are breathing heavily and neither of them move away, keeping their foreheads pressed together. 

Slowly, Tony opens his eyes to find Clay already looking at him. A small smile is painting Clay’s face and Tony immediately corresponds it with one of his own.

“Wow,” Tony exhales. 

Clay lets out a breathy laugh, “Wow indeed.”

Tony’s imagination could have never done the reality justice. This might have been their first kiss but he can’t wait for the million more that are to come.

 

____________________

 

The future is a strange concept, Tony thinks. It’s now more terrifying and exhilarating than ever. 

There are still so many plans to be made. 

Clay and him are still looking for apartments in Massachusetts; they’re still searching for the best way to tell their families that, not only are they dating, they’re also moving to a different state together; they’re still healing from old wounds, even to this day. 

There are still so many unknown things about the future. 

But those are all things to look forward to. Even the bad times, Tony wouldn’t give up the opportunity to live through them. 

Tony knows it won’t always be easy, it won’t always be simple.

He’s still scared, he won’t deny that. There are days when the fear grips at him so tightly it barely lets him breath. Thoughts run wildly through his mind and he can’t stop them. They render him useless and they threaten to break everything that he holds dear. But those thoughts are part of the risks he’s taking. He can’t let that anxiety consume him, control him. 

Maybe the future is all about that. Day by day, week by week. Having fears and defeating them. Having good days and cherishing them. Having bad days and getting through them. 

Maybe the future is not so different to the past. Just a time like any other. 

Maybe the future is nothing like the past. 

The only way to really know what the future is is to live your present. 

For now all that Tony knows is this: his future is not all about Clay and yet Tony’s future _is_ Clay.

**Author's Note:**

> [my Tumblr. ](http://tonysteve.co.vu)


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